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Ha Ha time

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Clay View Drop Down
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009
Location: Udall, Kansas
Points: 8663
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Clay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Ha Ha time
    Posted: 23 Jan 2020 at 10:34pm
I think, I'm going to lose my driver's license... and all just because of a stupid police officer. The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: OFFICER: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" ME: "I assure you, I did not drink anything". OFFICER: "Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" ME: "A car". OFFICER: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" ME: "I have no idea!" OFFICER: "So, you're drunk". ME: "But I didn't drink anything". OFFICER: "Okay, one more test - imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it? ME: "A motorcycle". OFFICER: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" ME: "I have no idea!" OFFICER: "As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. ME: "So... counter question - you're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" OFFICER: "A prostitute of course". ME: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend
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chaskaduo View Drop Down
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Joined: 26 Nov 2016
Location: Twin Cities
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote chaskaduo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jan 2020 at 2:40am
LOLLOLLOL
 
Probably been better off with, OK Mr. Offalslur I mean Molicepan, can I get you a drink. Wink
1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp
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john(MI) View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote john(MI) Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jan 2020 at 8:38am
When I was young and dumb I got nabbed for impaired driving.  The officer was talking to me behind my truck and said, "I think we need to get in the car".  I immediately said, "You better drive!"!  He held it but had a hard time not laughing.  Back at the station I seen him telling all of the other officers about it and chuckling.  They put me in the quiet people cell and let me have a cigarette.  The people in the loud people cell were sure upset I got to have a cigarette.  I quit smoking in case you was thinking I was still a dummy!
D14, D17, 5020, 612H, CASE 446
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Clay View Drop Down
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Clay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jan 2020 at 9:17pm
Fell off a 50 foot ladder today. shocked
Thank the Lord, I was on the first step. smile laugh
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Ted J View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ted J Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jan 2020 at 8:49pm
I slipped of the top of a 50 foot ladder yesterday. Shocked

Good thing it was laying flat on the ground....Confused LOL Clap
"Allis-Express"
19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17
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Clay View Drop Down
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009
Location: Udall, Kansas
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Clay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Jan 2020 at 4:08pm
 
1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
 
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
 
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
 
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
 
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you & It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
 
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
 
7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims"
 
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse & only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars & only the rich own horses.
 
 
Six (6) great confusions still unresolved.
 
1.      At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?
 
2.      If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
 
3. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
 
4.  Who knew what time it was when the 1st clock was made?
 
Vagaries of English Language!
 
Ever wonder why the word funeral starts w/FUN?
 
Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?
 
How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?
 
If money doesn't grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
 
If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
 
How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
 
Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO & those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
 
Why do we put cups in the dishwasher & the dishes in the Cupboard?
 
Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
 
Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?
 
How come noses run & feet smell?
 
Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?
 
What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
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LouSWPA View Drop Down
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009
Location: Clinton, Pa
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LouSWPA Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Jan 2020 at 4:53pm
why do we park in the driveway, and drive on the parkway
I am still confident of this;
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Ps 27
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Kansas99 View Drop Down
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Joined: 26 Feb 2015
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kansas99 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Jan 2020 at 7:50pm
[TUBE]z2AbvTL1TTM[/TUBE]
"LET"S GO BRANDON!!"
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Clay View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Clay Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jan 2020 at 4:32pm
Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a nice little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom”, said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a HUGE 3 story mansion with Red and Gold sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Chiefs flag waving, a swimming pool in the shape of an arrowhead, a KC logo in every window, and a #15 Patrick Mahomes jersey on the front door.
Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 6 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said "So what's your point Tom?"
“Well, why does Patrick Mahomes get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Patrick’s house, it's mine."
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