It seams as though I hadn't rembered to unplug it after all.

 

Now I'm standing there, I've got a running snowblower in my right hand and the 2+ giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.  Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a small microwave and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

 

Time stood still.

 

The first thing I notice is my wee wee trying to climb up the front side of my body.  My ears curled downwards and I could feel the snowblower ignition fireing int he backside of my brain.  Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over I could feel spark in my head.  I was literally at one with the engine.

 

It seams as though the fence charger and the heap of junk of a snowblower were fighting over who would controll my electrical impulses.

 

Science says you cannot excrete, pee, and vomit at the same time.  I beg to differ.  Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowls emptied 3 different times in less than half a second.  It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping allong and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.  It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close toghather it was like exhaust pulses from a bib block Chevy turning 8 grand.

 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.  My hand is wrapped around the wore palm down so I can't let go.  I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.......but dad always had those junk chargers made by Red Snapper or whoever that were like 9 volts and just knida tickled.  This one, I could not let go of.  The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp slush, snow and soil mix.  At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, untill the snowblower runs out of gas.

 

Then I rember, I think in suspended animation, I just filled the tank!

 

Now the Briggs is starting to run rough.  It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it has some kind of big go kart race cam in it.  Covered in poop, pee and with my own vomit on my chest I think "Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die".  But noooo, it settles into a rough lumpy cam dle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam high rise motor waiting for the go command from its owners right foot.

 

So here I am in the middle of December, 20 degrees standing in the driveway begging God to kill me.  God did not take me that day..... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity has created.

 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.  The snowblower was beside me, out of gas.  The sun was setting and my hands are frostbitten.

 

There's two baren spots where I had been standing, and a burn mark on the fence where the wire has made contact to the wood.  I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing I has somehow let go of the wire.

 

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things:

 

1.  Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

 

2.  I now have cramps in teh bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek, not the left, just the right. 

 

3.  So much for the rumor about rubber footwear protectiong from electric shock.

 

4.  Poop, pee and vomit when all mixed togather do not smell as bad as you may think.

 

5.  My left eye will not open.

 

6.  My right eye will not close.

 

7.  The snowblower runs like a sumbich now.  Seriously!  I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

 

8.  I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting.  I still don't understand this??

 

That day changed my life.  I now have a newfound respect for things..... electric things.  I appreciate the little things more and now I alwayse triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before going outside.

 

The good news is that if a burgler does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and that gibes me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to tripple check before I send my wife out near the fence.

 

 

 

I am the same as above !!! That made my morning. I am sorry that this happened, but ......... "That right there is what you call funny ) LOL !!!!!!

 

Thanks for sharing, Darryl

Been around in some form for a spell but still makes an old man chuckle.

 

If you have been around electric fence chargers you know that it couldn't happen but when you grab one you sure wonder if it could. (:^D

 

No, for the belivers, it's not true.  I'm just fine and I don't even have a fence or a snowblower

 

It was ment to make you laugh, made me laugh so hard I cried, than my wife red it and did the same.

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something special for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little triple-A batteries... Right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible waaay!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it Master." Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER ..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...@!poor word choice!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-..... That hurt like h...l!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, since time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return