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desertjoe 
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 Topic: OK,,ya;ll been long enough without,,,,,,
Posted: 23 Mar 2022 at 9:48pm |
Let there be laughter,,,,,
Friends please put on a mask. It saves lives. Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way he walked by his wife and she did not recognize him! The mask really saved his life.
The farmer met his kin at the railroad station. "Uncle, I'm mighty glad to see you." he greeted. "That crate of chickens you sent me broke open just as I was going to take'em out and they ran all over the place. I chased'em through my neighbors yard and only caught 11." "You did OK," said the uncle. "I only sent you six."
A
woodsmen was cutting down trees with an old handsaw. A salesman came
along, and asked him how many trees he could cut down. The Woodsman
replied about 3 a day. The salesman said what if I showed you a way to
cut down 10 trees a day. The woodsman said tell me more, so the salesman
went to his car, and pulled out a chainsaw, and said here give this a
try. I'll be back in a week to see how you're doing. The woodsmen
thanked him, and he started using the chain saw, and sure enough he was
up to 5 trees a day, and even though it wasn't 10, I have cut down more
then I was before, so he was happy with the results. The salesman came
back the following week, and said how'd it go, and the Woodsman replied,
well I cut down more trees then I did with the handsaw, but I didn't
get no where near 10 trees a day. The salesman a little baffled looked
the saw over, and could see it appeared to have been used, but it looked
ok. So he set it one the ground, and pulled the cord a couple times,
and the saw Roared to Life ! The Woodsman surprised, said what's that???
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dee_veloper
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Joined: 12 Apr 2021
Location: USA
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Posted: 23 Mar 2022 at 10:44pm |
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Don't confuse my personality with my attitude.
My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
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Coke-in-MN
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Joined: 12 Sep 2009
Location: Afton MN
Points: 41970
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Posted: 24 Mar 2022 at 12:06am |
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2 buddies were golfing but got mad as the 2 ladies ahead of them were playing so slow
So one of the men said go ask them to let us play through
So he started walking towards then and then came back quickly .
What's the matter one asked
It's my wife and my girlfriend playing together and I couldn't chance being seen by them
So the other guy says well I'll aske them
He starts down to speak to them - then abruptly comes back quickly
Saying "Small World on this golf course"
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Faith isn't a jump in the dark. It is a walk in the light. Faith is not guessing; it is knowing something.
"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."
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DiyDave
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Location: Gambrills, MD
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Posted: 24 Mar 2022 at 4:41am |
Was gonn post this in shameless' thread, but I don't need the late snow...
A fly walks into a fly bar, sees a pretty girl fly sitting at the bar. Ever polite, he asks her excuse me, is this stool taken?  |
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DaveKamp
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Posted: 24 Mar 2022 at 10:53pm |
Guy sits down at the bar, orders a beer, guy next to him has a funny looking box on the bar... he' drinks MOST of a shot, opens the box, and places the remainder of the shot glass inside. Repeats this 3x.
Curiosity finally gets the first guy's goat, so he asks "Hey Mac- what's in the box?"
Second guy says "You really don't wanna know".
But I DO wanna know... what's in the box?
Second guy says... Okay, YOU ASKED... Opens up the box, lifts out a small piano... then a small stool...
Then a tiny little guy jumped out of the box, onto the stool, and started bangin' out ragtime and boogie-wookie.
First guy said "Wow, that's AMAZING... Where'd you get him?"
Second guy says "This lamp". shows him an old silver oil lamp.
First guy says "What???"
Second guy: I found this lamp washed up on the beach, I rubbed it, and a Genie popped out, offered me a wish...
First guy grabs it, and bolts it outside... while second guy yelled WAIT... NOOOO.... WAIT...
First guy comes back in with a cacophony of quacking going on behind him, he slams the barroom door shut with feathers flyin' in, and exclaims:
"There's somethin REALLY REALLY WRONG with that GENIE... I asked for a Million Bucks... and all of a sudden, the street is jam-packed full of DUCKS..."
Second guy says: "No $#it Sherlock... What guy in his right mind would ask for an EIGHT INCH PIANIST???"
Edited by DaveKamp - 24 Mar 2022 at 10:54pm
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Ten Amendments, Ten Commandments, and one Golden Rule solve most every problem. Citrus hand-cleaner with Pumice does the rest.
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DaveKamp
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Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Location: LeClaire, Ia
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 7:06am |
Geeze... not even a roll-eyes or a groan?
I guess now there's TWO ways I can really clear-a-room.
Security news-
Police showed up at the truckstop at 10pm for a report of a guy walking around in a huge coat. They thought he might've had a weapon... turns out he had 33 watches on each wrist.
They told him to put his hands up, it took him 'till Midnight.
Turns out, he wasn't doing anything wrong, just had lots of time on his hands.
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Ten Amendments, Ten Commandments, and one Golden Rule solve most every problem. Citrus hand-cleaner with Pumice does the rest.
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Tbone95
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Location: Michigan
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 7:08am |
 DaveKamp wrote:
Guy sits down at the bar, orders a beer, guy next to him has a funny looking box on the bar... he' drinks MOST of a shot, opens the box, and places the remainder of the shot glass inside. Repeats this 3x.
Curiosity finally gets the first guy's goat, so he asks "Hey Mac- what's in the box?"
Second guy says "You really don't wanna know".
But I DO wanna know... what's in the box?
Second guy says... Okay, YOU ASKED... Opens up the box, lifts out a small piano... then a small stool...
Then a tiny little guy jumped out of the box, onto the stool, and started bangin' out ragtime and boogie-wookie.
First guy said "Wow, that's AMAZING... Where'd you get him?"
Second guy says "This lamp". shows him an old silver oil lamp.
First guy says "What???"
Second guy: I found this lamp washed up on the beach, I rubbed it, and a Genie popped out, offered me a wish...
First guy grabs it, and bolts it outside... while second guy yelled WAIT... NOOOO.... WAIT...
First guy comes back in with a cacophony of quacking going on behind him, he slams the barroom door shut with feathers flyin' in, and exclaims:
"There's somethin REALLY REALLY WRONG with that GENIE... I asked for a Million Bucks... and all of a sudden, the street is jam-packed full of DUCKS..."
Second guy says: "No $#it Sherlock... What guy in his right mind would ask for an EIGHT INCH PIANIST???"
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Oh, it's a good one, for me it's just that I heard it long ago.
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 12:19pm |
Well,,I hate to fess up but due to my bad hearing,,,I tend to get into them messes like that......  That used to drive the wife to want to shoot me,,,,,,, And,,,,and,,,it IS a noisy world out there,,,,
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Kansas99
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Joined: 26 Feb 2015
Location: W Kansas
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 2:08pm |
Teacher is talking of morals and experiences that lead to them. She asked the class for input. Dirty Johnny started wavy his hand teacher avoided him and called on Timmy. He said his dad raised chickens and said his dad sold a 1000 chickens because he had 1000 eggs but only 700 hatched so the moral is don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Very good the teacher said then calls on Missy. She says her mom sold eggs and had a box 50 dozen to sell but it fell over and they all broke so the moral is don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Very good the teacher said but now there wasn’t anyone but Johnny to call on so she did. Johnny said my dad told me when uncle Jack was flying his jet in Vietnam he was shot down and before he ejected he grabbed his pistol and ammo, his knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels, then he ejected. On his way to the ground he was worried his bottle of Jack Daniels would break so he chugged the whole bottle before he landed and when he did land he was surrounded by 150 VC. Uncle jack shot 75 before he ran out of ammo and then he stabbed 50 before his knife broke so he had no choice but to kill the last 25 with his bare hands. The teacher said oh my lord Johnny what could be the moral to such a gruesome story like that? Johnny replied dad always said don’t ever fuc$ with Uncle Jack when he’s been drinking.
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"Thank you for your service Joe & the Ho"-----Joseph Stalin
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Scott B
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Location: Kansas City
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 3:32pm |
Police get a call that a woman killed her husband. Two patrolman go in and sure enough the husband is dead on the kitchen floor. Patrolman ask her why she killed him and she says "I told him I'd kill him if he walked across my freshly mopped floor." Patrolman #1 says "Guess we better go over there and arrest her" . Patrol #2 says "Nope, floors still wet....."
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D17 Series 1
Allis B- 1939
Allis B- 1945
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DiyDave
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 5:51pm |
Kansas99 wrote:
Teacher is talking of morals and experiences that lead to them. She asked the class for input.
Dirty Johnny started wavy his hand teacher avoided him and called on Timmy. He said his dad raised chickens and said his dad sold a 1000 chickens because he had 1000 eggs but only 700 hatched so the moral is don’t count your chickens before they hatch.
Very good the teacher said then calls on Missy. She says her mom sold eggs and had a box 50 dozen to sell but it fell over and they all broke so the moral is don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
Very good the teacher said but now there wasn’t anyone but Johnny to call on so she did.
Johnny said my dad told me when uncle Jack was flying his jet in Vietnam he was shot down and before he ejected he grabbed his pistol and ammo, his knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels, then he ejected. On his way to the ground he was worried his bottle of Jack Daniels would break so he chugged the whole bottle before he landed and when he did land he was surrounded by 150 VC. Uncle jack shot 75 before he ran out of ammo and then he stabbed 50 before his knife broke so he had no choice but to kill the last 25 with his bare hands.
The teacher said oh my lord Johnny what could be the moral to such a gruesome story like that?
Johnny replied dad always said don’t ever fuc$ with Uncle Jack when he’s been drinking. |
A count was arrested for treason and sentenced to death by beheading. The king offered him life without parole if he confessed. The count refused so the execution was scheduled. As the executioner raised his ax, the count yelled "I confess". But it was too late. The ax fell. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
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desertjoe
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 6:04pm |
I like them Dirty Johnny jokes,,,,,,
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DaveKamp
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 6:44pm |
DiyDave wrote:
Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. |
One of my college roommates was from Columbo, Sri Lanka. That's a big international trading port on an island off the southeast coast of India.
He told me about a bird they have down there, they call it the 'Foo'. Apparently, they poop in flight at times, and it's kinda messy, like pigeons... but it is high in phosphates, so it makes great fertilizer.
By some virtue of chemistry, the bird's diet consists of large quantities of some kind of berry that contains small quantities of cyanide, that are otherwise kinda toxic to other animals, but the bird hosts some intestinal bacterium that emit enzymes that break down the cyanide, so they're unharmed. When diluted, Foo poo becomes a very dark purple blue color (which happens to be the same general process of how Prussian Blue Dye is manufactured) and when that blue stuff gets on something, it permeates in... DOESN"T wash off.
So this is why you'll frequently see people walking around Sri Lanka with umbrellas and large hats, and frequently, they're purple or blue. Tourists buy them for the lovely colors, and they're often sold all around the world...
But few realize WHY, that for the last thousand years, the umbrellas and hats, and sometimes their white cotton and silk garments, are frequently 'tie-dye' blue at the top.
He warned me, that if I was an unfortunate recipient of falling foo, to NOT attempt to wash it off... instead, just let it dry... and after that, it will easily scrape and brush off.
And this is the actual origin of a thousand years' wisdom coming to us from Sri Lanka:
IF the Foo $hits... WEAR IT.
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Ten Amendments, Ten Commandments, and one Golden Rule solve most every problem. Citrus hand-cleaner with Pumice does the rest.
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Kansas99
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Joined: 26 Feb 2015
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Posted: 29 Mar 2022 at 9:40pm |
Ok, one more but I'm cleaning it up the best I can, it's PG-13, I think
There's this poor little ant that the queen kicks out of the colony, so he heads off into the jungle looking for a new colony and new queen. After weeks of searching the poor little guy just cant find another and starts getting really desperate. As he looks around one day he sees a elephant standing there half a sleep, so he figures what the hell I need some tail , so he eases over and sneaks up her back leg, looks around and then goes for it thinking no one is watching. Up in the tree there's a monkey watching all this happen and says to himself, well look at that stupid elephant letting that ant screw her like that, so he grabs a coconut from the tree and throws it as hard as he can, striking the elephant square in the head. The elephant surprised lets out a big bellow and then the ant looks around from behind and says "suffer baby suffer"
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"Thank you for your service Joe & the Ho"-----Joseph Stalin
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DaveKamp
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Posted: 30 Mar 2022 at 7:02am |
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Ten Amendments, Ten Commandments, and one Golden Rule solve most every problem. Citrus hand-cleaner with Pumice does the rest.
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Ted J
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Posted: 31 Mar 2022 at 4:57am |
DiyDave wrote:
A count was arrested for treason and sentenced to death by beheading. The king offered him life without parole if he confessed. The count refused so the execution was scheduled. As the executioner raised his ax, the count yelled "I confess". But it was too late. The ax fell. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. |
Now that's a new one....
There's this Navajo Indian who walks into a brothel and asks the Madam,,,"me want some." The Madam asks "have you any experience?" No says the Indian. "Well" says the Madam, "When you get some, you come back". That she figures will take care of him. He asks "Where do I get experience?" She says "Try that knot hole in the oak tree up on the hill."
A week goes by and all of a sudden here is the Navajo again.... "Me want some" "Have you any experience?" "Ah, me have experience!" "OK, go up to room 3" He goes up to room 3 and enters. He then looks at the girl on the bed and reaches behind the door and grabs a broom. He runs at her and jams the broom handle in her! She exclaims "WHAT did you do that for?" He says "This time me check-um for bees!!"
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"Allis-Express"
19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17
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Clay
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Posted: 31 Mar 2022 at 7:19am |
Do you know why I am glad I am not a KU Jayhawk? How would you like to run around with a pecker in the middle of your face all day?
Edited by Clay - 31 Mar 2022 at 7:19am
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Kansas99
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Posted: 31 Mar 2022 at 4:27pm |
That reminds me. You know after KU fired Mangino he stopped at a 7-eleven before leaving town and asked the clerk the fastest way to the 435. She replied loose 100 pounds.
But you have to admit he did beat anorexia. |
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"Thank you for your service Joe & the Ho"-----Joseph Stalin
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Clay
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Posted: 31 Mar 2022 at 9:52pm |
How do KU and OU mothers teach their sons to put on their underwear?
Yellow in front, brown in back.
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desertjoe
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Posted: 01 Apr 2022 at 3:36am |
OK, just one more,,,,,
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local bar. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights turned off, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." " "Well in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed her the way to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us." said the bartender. "would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun." "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf, on that statue the lights go out. Now how about that drink?"
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DaveKamp
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Posted: 02 Apr 2022 at 3:51pm |
Texan driving down a long, dusty road in the southwest pulls off to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out, the hitchhiker is an old native man, working his way homeward.
Old native: "Nice car!"
Texan: "It's a 1958 Caddillac Series 62 Convertible, All original, still has the factory 390 V8, and the 'Jetaway' four-speed automatic transmission... only about 200 of these ever made..."
Old native: "Yeah, nobody builds cars like this anymore..."
Texan: "I got it for my wife"
Old native: "That was a GOOD TRADE!!!"
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Ten Amendments, Ten Commandments, and one Golden Rule solve most every problem. Citrus hand-cleaner with Pumice does the rest.
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John m
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Posted: 15 Apr 2022 at 5:30am |
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No more ?
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FloydKS
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Posted: 15 Apr 2022 at 10:18am |
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Termite walks into the saloon and asks one of the other patrons... Is the bar-tender.
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Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die
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John m
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Posted: 15 Apr 2022 at 4:06pm |
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Took me a minute, thought you cut part of the joke off. Then I got it. Good one
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Clay
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Posted: 15 Apr 2022 at 4:32pm |
What do you call a steer in a hot tub?
Stew.
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John m
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Posted: 15 Apr 2022 at 4:52pm |
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There yas go, now we're starting.
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Clay
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Posted: 19 Apr 2022 at 8:47pm |
Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby, were talking about their grandchildren. Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them. They never say thank you!" Ruby replies. "I too send my grandkids a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit." "Wow ! How come ?” remarked Dolly. "Very simple solution - I don't sign the cheque."
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desertjoe
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Posted: 19 Apr 2022 at 8:58pm |
Clay wrote:
Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby, were talking about their grandchildren. Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them. They never say thank you!" Ruby replies. "I too send my grandkids a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit." "Wow ! How come ?” remarked Dolly. "Very simple solution - I don't sign the cheque."
That right there is a good one,,,Clay!!!!
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