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desertjoe 
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13358
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 Topic: I bring you joy and laughter,,,,,,
Posted: 21 Apr 2020 at 4:39pm |
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was racing down the road yesterday, a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well,"
she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot AH?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's
Face............... PRICELESS
If you can't be good, then be good at it! Ya'll have a great day,,,,,, 
Edited by desertjoe - 21 Apr 2020 at 4:40pm
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13358
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Posted: 21 Apr 2020 at 4:49pm |
One more,,,?
Home Schooling Second day and things are going well... One student suspended. One student expelled. Both teachers fired for drinking on the job
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steve(ill)
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009
Location: illinois
Points: 77777
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Posted: 21 Apr 2020 at 9:25pm |
THEMS FUNNY !!
Joe, i dont know how you come up with all the STUFF you say, buy you sure are a CARD !
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Like them all, but love the "B"s.
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shameless dude
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Joined: 10 Apr 2017
Location: east NE
Points: 13611
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Posted: 21 Apr 2020 at 11:52pm |
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thems funny right thar! thanks buddy!
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13358
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Posted: 22 Apr 2020 at 1:15am |
Why Thank Y'all,,,,,,and much appreciated,,,,, 
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shameless dude
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Joined: 10 Apr 2017
Location: east NE
Points: 13611
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Posted: 22 Apr 2020 at 8:42pm |
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hows come...when it rains...sheep don't shrink?
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Wayne180d
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Joined: 08 Dec 2015
Location: Gilman, Il
Points: 5923
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Posted: 22 Apr 2020 at 11:18pm |
There was a young man lying in the hospital with a mask on and the young lady came in to give him his sponge bath. He looked at her and asked "Are my testicles black?" The young lady red faced replied that she was only there to give him his sponge bath only on his upper torso. He asked here again "Are my testicles black?" Embarassed she lifted the covers checked and said no they are not. He looked at and said listen carefully " ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
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JC-WI
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009
Location: wisconsin
Points: 33641
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Posted: 23 Apr 2020 at 1:30am |
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He who says there is no evil has already deceived himself
The truth is the truth, sugar coated or not. Trawler II says, "Remember that."
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13358
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Posted: 23 Apr 2020 at 4:14am |
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Thad in AR.
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Joined: 12 Sep 2009
Location: Arkansas
Points: 9273
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Posted: 23 Apr 2020 at 5:51am |
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A few years back when Obama was president, Ole Shameless left the Whitehouse the gift of a few inches of pretty. Obama got up in the morning and went out on the porch to look at the pretty snow.
He looked down and someone had pee’d (Obama sucks) in the snow.
He was very angry. He called the secret service and told them find out who did this and I want them arrested.
A couple hrs later the secret service called the president in to a meeting. They told him that they did a urine sample of the snow and it belonged to Joe Biden. The president fell on to laughter and said oh it was a joke.
The head of the secret says no, there is more to it. The president asks what?
He said we Also did a hand writing exam and it turns out it’s Michelle’s hand writing.
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chaskaduo
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Joined: 26 Nov 2016
Location: Twin Cities
Points: 5203
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Posted: 23 Apr 2020 at 11:15am |
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1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13358
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Posted: 23 Apr 2020 at 11:05pm |
just one more,,,tonite,,,,, 
An 8 years old son asks his dad: "Whats the difference between
'Potential' and 'reality?' Dad turns to wife: "Would u sleep with George
W. Bush for $1 million?'' Wife: "Of course, I will never waste that
opportunity." Dad turns to daughter: "Would you sleep with Brat Pitt fo
$1 million?" Daughter: Yes! He is my fantasy. Dad turns to elder son:
"Would u sleep with Tom Cruise for $1million?" Eldest son: "Why not?
Imagine what I would do with that money." Dad then turns to his youngest
son: "U see son, 'Potentially' we are living with 3 millionaires BUT in
'reality' we are living with two prostitutes and one gay idiot.."
(I'm outa here,,,)
Edited by desertjoe - 23 Apr 2020 at 11:06pm
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chaskaduo
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Joined: 26 Nov 2016
Location: Twin Cities
Points: 5203
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Posted: 24 Apr 2020 at 9:47am |
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1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp
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DiyDave
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Joined: 11 Sep 2009
Location: Gambrills, MD
Points: 50536
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Posted: 24 Apr 2020 at 8:25pm |
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[TUBE]wGVkxluxoh4[/TUBE]
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Source: Babylon Bee. Sponsored by BRAWNDO, its got what you need!
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13358
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Posted: 25 Apr 2020 at 12:51am |
I just Love them southern belles,,,don't ya'll,,,,,,,,
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Gordy
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Joined: 12 Sep 2009
Location: SWMI
Points: 2533
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Posted: 25 Apr 2020 at 9:32pm |
A man says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says: “I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of
water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but
don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?” The doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”
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“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”
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Ted J
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Joined: 05 Jul 2010
Location: La Crosse, WI
Points: 18708
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Posted: 25 Apr 2020 at 11:17pm |
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Thanks guys for the laughs. We need a lot more of them lately. Speaking of which,,,,,
Where's the Thoughts From The Pot?? What happened to Les???
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"Allis-Express"
19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13358
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Posted: 01 May 2020 at 11:56am |
OK,it been bout 10 days SOoooooooo,,,,,,
A resident of Los Angeles [Wu Han Lu] noticed that five here-to-fore
healthy Chinese Elm trees in his backyard all had drooping branches with
dying leaves that were falling from the trees. Being worried, Wu called
a local tree surgeon to come check his trees. The tree doctor showed up
and took some of the leaves and also cut out a 4'' biopsy from the
lower trunk, and took them with him. He returned in a few days and told
Wu that his trees were all suffering and dying from the coronavirus. The
photo synthesis in the leaves was still doing their job but the
arteries carrying the sugars and other nutrients from the leaves down
the tree to the roots were being blocked by hardened arteries. He said
nothing could be done to save the trees. At this point Wu Han Lu began
to sob uncontrollably. Sobbing that it was all his fault. Asked why by
the doctor, Wu replied. '' 40 days ago I was diagnosed with coronavirus
and was quarantined to my home, feeling lonely I would go outside and
hug my trees every day. I didn't know I was killing them by giving them
Wu Han's virus.
Learning of this authorities immediately closed down all public and state parks to protect the trees from treehuggers. Yuk,Yuk, yuk,,,,
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chaskaduo
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Joined: 26 Nov 2016
Location: Twin Cities
Points: 5203
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Posted: 01 May 2020 at 12:46pm |
Joe, you've officially been certified as quarantined to long.
Try and hang in there for another MONTH pal.
Edited by chaskaduo - 01 May 2020 at 12:48pm
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1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp
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