Home care for our elders

I see your rational for being at home, and haveing a "live in " friend.. That would work for a few more years if you can find the help... Not sure how you go about that.

She has lived in that house for close to 70 years now, so is wanting to stay as long as she can. Dad died there in the living room about 4 years ago. He was in same boat as her until one day he wasn't. Just dropped off almost overnight. Went from getting around to confined to bed and needing help 24/7. With help from my mother and one sister, and skilled nursing care, he lasted another 3 months there. Consensus was it was a great way to go. Same food he was used to.....all manner of visitors......nobody had to drive 20 miles one way......everyday.....to visit him.

But she has no such backup. When she can't fend for herself most of the time........she will have to go to a skilled nursing home to die. Sucks.....but that is the way it is.

When my time comes, I'm hoping to drop dead where I stand someday. Getting sent to a nursing home would be my worst nightmare.

My mother lived in a assisted living till covid hit and she caught it and ended up in a Covid rest home., then when see was over it she went to a local rest home and was happy there till they closed because of a lack of help. Now she in another rest home 25 miles away because that the only place that had room. She will be 95 this February and is doing good.

Big old 4 square house with no bathroom on the main level. Found out they basically locked her upstairs, she had a commode on the main floor but they didn't like dumping/cleaning it. Shortly after moving in he was no longer employed. Blew threw the monthly budget getting who knows what and then asked for more to pay the bills that needed to be paid. Getting them kicked out was a nightmare as they had established "residency" and had a contract for them to be there providing care, what type of care wasn't specified. 

She is now in the nursing home but her health is beyond living at home by herself even with an aid, yet she still keeps asking when she is going back home. Sad situation.

Do your homework, check and recheck references especially if you don't know them.  Maybe some legal advice on the type of care and responsibilities of the care givers (are they going to drive your mom around-- gas/vehicle expenses?), what you are providing, what they will provide,  and what happens to the person(s) if and when your mom no longer lives in the home. 

Didn't mean to scare you off from the idea. Just make sure you have your Is crossed and your Ts dotted.

My uncle who lived into his late 90s moved to an assisted living apartment. 2 rooms plus a bath, small kitchenette. Room to bring his own bed, favorite chair, and personal mementoes from home. Either cooked his own food or get the meal provided. He was able to interact with other "active seniors" which I think did him good mentality. The family was able to keep his house and he would "go visit" every few weekends and spend most of the day there. Neighbors and relatives that lived in the area mowed the lawn/moved snow, got the junk mail, moved stuff around and other things to make it looked lived in. All the valuables were removed from the house and a security system/cameras installed. When the kids/grandkids who lived a distance away would come and visit they would stay there. Sadly when his health became so bad he needed to move to a traditional nursing home you could almost see the life going out of him. That being said my cousin had to move into a traditional nursing home after some serious health issues and being single/no one at home to care for him and poor he had no choice. And he loves it, 3 squares a day, people to talk to (he loves to talk), and not a care in the world.

Mom 85, extremely feeble, losing cognitive abilities.  Dad 84, extreme pain 24-7.  Does his best to take care of mom, but can't lift her and tug her around anymore.  He cooks, does dishes, takes her to appointments, AND insists on helping me by watering cattle, making grain truck runs, running the combine some, making road trips for me getting feed and stuff.  But I know this whole deal is borrowed time.  I can't imagine the crushing sadness that looms when we have to put him or her or them in a home..........

You are correct in that I would be surprised, mighty surprised.

Because I'm not just talking about the sadness of my father, but the sadness in me at the time should it come.

Had a brief "rehearsal" for such a day a couple years ago.  Dad had a knee replaced, mom wasn't quite so feeble then, but in no way able to help dad get around, so we thought it best to have him admitted to a nursing facility for REHAB for the first couple weeks anyway.  I was the "lucky" one to pick him up at the hospital at discharge from the surgery and took him to the home.  Even as totally whacked out on painkillers for the ride, the tears streamed down his face as I was ready to leave as he recounted to me how the hardest day of his life was when he dropped his father off at a nursing home.  (and, long story, but grandpa was gone within 6 weeks of that)  I told him well, this is completely different circumstances than that, this is just a couple of weeks to literally get you back on your feet.  Didn't help much.

Won't get into some of the horrendous care that happened. . . .but we had him back in about 3 days.

As for waiting for people to visit, well, they still live in the house on the farm that I farm.  I see them every morning when I change out my boots and coat from morning chores to go to my day job.  Then in the evenings, do my chores, usually visit for at least 1/2 hour sometimes longer, sometimes dad has cooked enough dinner for me when the wife is working.  Weekends I almost always have a sandwich with them for lunches.  Whereas, nearest low level assisted living place is 10 miles away, and will have to restructure my life to go visit, which I probably will, but won't be the same.

Not trying to argue with you in any way, that's just my take on my situation, and it isn't pleasant.

  One thing for sure there is no 2 case the same and it all has to be worked out for each person or case differently. I just hope that it all works out for everyone

 The local assisted living facility that my mother was in was great, they took them for rides and always had something for them to do, when her money ran out she ended up in a rest home and they are taking good care of her, she's 95.

  Well, Thad,,I feel for you and do wish things were better for you and your Mother. Most times we do not seem to be able to think like our parents and truth be known,,as long as they are satisfied with events, we prolly should accept how they choose. I guess that as long as they don't hurt themselves, one can only go along to keep them happy. We tend to NOT find out what they really want because they ARE so independent both in their thoughts and actions,,huh,,,?

 Lots of luck with your Momma, My Friend, and tell her we all are thinking of her and her Sons.