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It's been TOO QUIET lately,,,

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desertjoe View Drop Down
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
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    Posted: 17 Sep 2020 at 8:15pm

 
Her 8-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
The boy replies,"$750."
"Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove; let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't. I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth as he closes the door and waits outside.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that * again."
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desertjoe View Drop Down
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote desertjoe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2020 at 8:16pm

  Beware the clever redneck: Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.
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desertjoe View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote desertjoe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2020 at 8:18pm

 OK,,one more,,,,LOL

  The woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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desertjoe View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote desertjoe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2020 at 8:21pm

 OK,,Dis I cheer ya'll up,,,,

  "Pop," he says, "You're really old."
The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances to each side conspiratorially. He leans in and fixes his great grandson with a steely look. "Here's the secret. Every morning, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my oatmeal. I don't know how, but it's kept me fit and healthy all my life."

The boy takes his great grandfather's advice, and indeed it works remarkably. The boy grew up and left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 22 great-grandchildren, and a 16 foot hole in the crematorium wall.
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steve(ill) View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote steve(ill) Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2020 at 8:31pm
well, you made my night JOE... THANKS.
Like them all, but love the "B"s.
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Hubert (Ga)engine7 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hubert (Ga)engine7 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Sep 2020 at 8:33pm
Love 'em all but especially the one about the skin graft. LOLLOLLOL
Just an old country boy saved by the grace of God.
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shameless dude View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote shameless dude Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2020 at 1:47am
i loved the pickup parked! thanks buddy...it always helps to laugh!
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plummerscarin View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote plummerscarin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2020 at 7:49am
Baseball and glove did it for me!!
Thanks!!
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chaskaduo View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote chaskaduo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Sep 2020 at 1:37pm
Dem all Thumbs UpThumbs UpThumbs UpThumbs Up
1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp
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desertjoe View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote desertjoe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Sep 2020 at 7:48am

 
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
All just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...




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steve(ill) View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote steve(ill) Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Sep 2020 at 8:53am
LOL   Thumbs Up   NOW THATS FUNNY !
Like them all, but love the "B"s.
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desertjoe View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote desertjoe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Sep 2020 at 1:36am

   A new and easy test for the Coronavirus, which can be done at home, was recently discovered and it's simple, quick and actually enjoyable.

Fill a shot glass with your favorite whiskey and see if you can smell it. If you can, then you're halfway there.
 
Now drink it. If you can taste it then it's reasonable to assume you're currently virus free because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
 
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
 
I will have to test myself again today because I've developed a throbbing headache...which can also be one of the symptoms.
 
I'll report my results later.
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steve(ill) View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote steve(ill) Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Sep 2020 at 8:29am
Thumbs Up   Thumbs Up
Like them all, but love the "B"s.
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