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I need some grins,,,,,, |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13528 |
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Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 9:34am |
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Helicopter Ride. Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4
people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join us. We leave early
Saturday morning from Ontario airport and will fly to San Diego, where
we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight up the West Coast to see the fall colors, returning to San Diego for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go... |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13528 |
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Sound Health Advice
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney problems. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver problems. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems, When yo drink wine over ice, it can give you bladder problems. Apparently, ice is bad for you. Warn all your friends |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13528 |
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Edited by desertjoe - 20 Oct 2021 at 9:49am |
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darrel in ND
Orange Level Joined: 22 Nov 2009 Location: Hebron, ND Points: 8623 |
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šš¤£š
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plummerscarin
Orange Level Access Joined: 22 Jun 2015 Location: ia Points: 3380 |
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That was awesome
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steve(ill)
Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: illinois Points: 80237 |
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NOW THATS FUNNY !!!! ............ Joe is BACK !!!
Edited by steve(ill) - 20 Oct 2021 at 12:51pm |
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Like them all, but love the "B"s.
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tadams(OH)
Orange Level Access Joined: 17 Sep 2009 Location: Jeromesville, O Points: 10023 |
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Yes Joe's with us |
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ac hunter
Orange Level Joined: 05 Jan 2011 Location: OHIO Points: 978 |
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Hey Joe, pretty funny. Got any more?
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dr p
Orange Level Joined: 24 Feb 2019 Location: new york Points: 1134 |
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So two blondes are taking their dogs for a walk. It is a hot day and after a while the blondes get thirsty. They walk up to a bar but on the door is a sign " no pets allowed" the one blonde says" I guess we can't go in there" the other blonde say "Put your sunglasses on and just follow my lead" they walk into the bar and the bartender says" I'm sorry, you can't come in here with a dog" the blonde says " but I am blind and this my seeing eye dog. The bartender says " oh, of course you can come in. I didn't realize they could Bulldogs as seeing eye dogs" yes, says the blonde, " they are smart and loyal and are becoming very popular for seeing eye dogs". Then the other blonde walks in and the bartender says" I'm sorry . You can't come in here with a dog" . The blonde says " I am blind as well, and this is my seeing eye dog". incredulously the bartender says " they can use dauschhunds as seeing eye dogs" and the blonde says "what!?! THEY GAVE A F@#%CKING DACHSHUND????,"
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dr p
Orange Level Joined: 24 Feb 2019 Location: new york Points: 1134 |
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I identify as Male but according to staufffer's lasagna box, I am actually a family of four
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Ted J
Orange Level Joined: 05 Jul 2010 Location: La Crosse, WI Points: 18786 |
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GOOD ones Joe!! GREAT to have you back!!!!! I loved that first one, but alas, I don't have a helicopter or a yacht, so I won't be going. And dr p........those were some good ones too!! I have never heard either one of those, but I know what you mean about being a family of 4.
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"Allis-Express"
19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17 |
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13528 |
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šŗšø Official Announcement. šŗšø
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that! |
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steve(ill)
Orange Level Access Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: illinois Points: 80237 |
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Like them all, but love the "B"s.
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Wayne180d
Orange Level Joined: 08 Dec 2015 Location: Gilman, Il Points: 5925 |
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The old couple in the senior retirement home decided to finally get married. They were discussing money issues, family issues , inhieritance issues and other items pertaining to both their families. Finally the old man asked her about sex. She replied that she liked it infrequently. The old man thought for a minute and asked if that was one word or two words.
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Ted J
Orange Level Joined: 05 Jul 2010 Location: La Crosse, WI Points: 18786 |
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Yep!!! GOOD ONES!!
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"Allis-Express"
19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17 |
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DougG
Orange Level Joined: 20 Sep 2009 Location: Mo Points: 8091 |
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A guys asks his girlfriend if shes tried 5 Guys- her reply was at once or 1 at a time ? His reply was - the burger resturaunt !!!! Whoops,, lol
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dr p
Orange Level Joined: 24 Feb 2019 Location: new york Points: 1134 |
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What kinds of rocks won't you find in the Mississippi river? Answer. Dry ones! Kid told me that one today
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Clay
Orange Level Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: Udall, Kansas Points: 9236 |
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What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it wouldn't come anyway.
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dr p
Orange Level Joined: 24 Feb 2019 Location: new york Points: 1134 |
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What do use to repair a hole in a scarecrow? A pumpkin patch
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desertjoe
Orange Level Access Joined: 23 Sep 2013 Location: New mexico Points: 13528 |
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Kind of a long one but a good message here,,,,, The Pope: A Conversation in HellNovember 3, 2021 Within an hour of passing from this life, Pope Francis found himself in a small office. Worn carpet, a desk, two chairs. The wall paint was peeling. A young man wearing a white tropical suit walked in and sat down behind the desk. He motioned the Pope to the chair across from him. Where am I? In Hell, Francis. Thatās impossible. Why? Iām the Pope. Thereās another way to look at it. Why wouldnāt you be here? No, really. Thereās obviously been an error. A tragic mistake. Iām afraid not. Our transport system is bulletproof. It runs on AI. Thenā¦then youāre Satan? Good one, Francis. No. Iām Sid, the assistant director of Human Resources. Where is Satan? I demand to speak with him. Satan doesnāt do celebrity intake. He didnāt even speak with Stalin. Or Torquemada. Look, I donāt care about your system. Iāve been sent to the wrong place. Iām destined to meet with the Savior and His Father. Yeah, well, thatās not going to happen. Youāre here, this is Hell, and thatās that. Baloney. How do I get a message through to God? After all this time, you donāt know how? Anyway, weāre blocked off. No service from here to there. There must be an angel I can talk to. Another good one. No, Francis, weāre all out of angels. I have resources. Art, gold, manuscripts. You HAD them. Get the Vatican on the phone. We used to have a direct line. But then they stopped paying their bill. Iāmā¦stuckā¦here? Iām afraid so. For the duration. This is unconscionable. Somebody has their wires crossed. There are millions of people named Francis. I was switched out. Or you deserve to be here. Letās talk about that. There must be something I can offer you. In the abstract, bribery is an interesting conversation, but weāre way past that. Whatās the set-up here? Who needs favors and blessings? We run a tight ship. We have a schedule. Monday is medical day. Right now, weāre performing a series of experiments on brain-computer interface. Volunteers are attached through skull probes to a program that loads them up with advanced mathematics. The integration phase has run into serious problems. Instead of data, people are experiencing raw electronics. The pain levels are exceedingly high. So weāre trying to counteract that with drugs. Youāre not serious. This is Hell. You said āvolunteers.ā On Mondays, you could opt for a clinical trial of high-dose AZT. Weāre measuring the timeline of cell death. AZT essentially stops cells from replicating. In laymanās terms, the body decays rapidly and falls apart. This must be a dream. On Tuesday, we strap you to a treadmill traveling 37 miles an hour for two hours, while gradually lowering you into the lake of fire. What have I done? What have I done to deserve this? Letās talk about that. For instance, the deal with the Chinese. The Chinese are a wonderful people. Sure. Weāre all wonderful, Francis. Iām talking about the Chinese regime and Xi Jinping. You mean the Vatican support for abortion? Our endorsement of their social credit score system? The conferences on integrating Catholicism and Communism? That would be a start. So what? So what if we made those accommodations? China is a powerhouse. I wasnāt just going to sit there and watch them roll over us. Sid, they already control half of Italy. Why do you think the first COVID lockdowns in the West started in my backyard? Your allegiance was to Jesus and God. Youāre joking, right? Even God makes deals. He applies pressure, gets what he wants, and then he backs off. Send a plague, obtain compliance, declare a truce. Itās all about the action. One player gets one piece, another player gets another. You spread out the baksheesh, you pocket the vig. Now weāre getting somewhere. Similar situation with climate change, right? Just another deal. Another hustle. These flim-flam artists really believe they can measure the Earthās overall temperature? Are you kidding me? Much less the HISTORY of the temperature? But thatās the play now. The UN Panel. Theyāll package the threat of a planetary collision between the Earth and Mars, if itāll give them a leg up. You saw an opportunity. Of course. Iām the number one humanitarian in the world when it comes to hunger and inequality. Those are my talking points. I can do a bang-up job of faking a connection between them and climate change. So Iām needed. The grifters involved are all already making out like bandits on climate. So they sit down with me, I negotiate my ten percent. Plus they get to reduce energy production all over the world. You know, as the āsolution.ā This gives them more poverty and debilitation, which are good for their businessāControl. Iām in the same business. We see eye to eye. I like it, Francis. Wait a minute. Iām losing the thread. I mean, youāre on my side, right? You get an insight into my strategy and you approve. Yes? Absolutely. Youāre talking our language. So then why are you talking about Monday and Tuesday and subjecting me to all kinds of torture on your schedule, if Iām not here to pay for my sins? Francis, I would have thought youād figured that out a long time ago. Weāre sadists. We enjoy our work. Thatās all. We donāt truck with Heaven. We have no opinion or knowledge about them. We just accept the souls who show up here. Iām happy youāre with us. But we need raw material. Youāre it. What?! Thereās nothing moral about punishment in this place? Moral? Think it through, Francis. Again, this is Hell. All right. Iām a fast adapter. There are things, then. Things I could teach you, Sid. I donāt think so. Weāve been around the block a few million times. We know our business. Thereās no money involved? Weāre cashless. Let me show you to your room. It has a view of the lakeā¦ Iām having a mental health problem. Can I see a doctor? This place is filled with doctors. I can get you in this afternoon. You supported psychiatric treatment while you were at the Vatican, right? Here, though, the doctors tend to be a little bent. They go to extremes with their treatments. Iāll make a few calls and find you an unenthusiastic straight shooter. Of course, experiencing what a standard protocol of Haldol does to the nervous systemā¦the tranquilizing effect is only stage one. After that, the neurons start firing randomly. Impulse control goes out the windowā¦ I want out! Ah, but youāre in, Francis. |
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Clay
Orange Level Joined: 11 Sep 2009 Location: Udall, Kansas Points: 9236 |
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fixer1958
Orange Level Joined: 13 Feb 2010 Location: kansas Points: 2435 |
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I swear this is true.
Back when they supposedly screwed up local tv stations you could get with a regular aerial tv antennae, made it digital I guess, don't know. I bought some weird looking flat antennae. Looked like one of those gates you put in a doorway to keep dogs and little kids out. Part of the instructions said Don't throw it at your wife. Don't install on roof while drinking and/or pregnant or both. I kept those instructions for the longest time but they got pitched at some point.
Edited by fixer1958 - 05 Nov 2021 at 8:23pm |
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