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desertjoe 
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
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 Topic: And a Great mornin to ya'll,,,,
Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 9:21am |
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13575
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Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 9:24am |
And,,,and,,,another one,,,,,
Frank had always been a decent guy and upon his death he went to the Pearly Gates, and was met by St. Peter. St Peter looked in the book of life, and said Frank you had a pretty good life, here's your Cloud, Robe, and Harp, Frank left, floating happily away on his cloud, playing his harp, it wasn't long, and he realized the Harp was awful small, and the Robe was pretty itchy. About that time here comes old Joe! Joe's got a Cloud as big as a Cadillac, a beautiful Redhead under one arm, and a barrel of Whiskey under the other! Now Frank didn't think this was quite right. Joe was a rounder. and kind of a roughyun! Frank realized Joe must have been Christian, otherwise he wouldn't be here at all. But this just wasn't right! So Frank paddled his little cloud along until he found St Peter. He said, St Peter things don't seem to be very fair here in Heaven. St. Peter says why do you say that. Well I happen to know Old Joe, and he wasn't exactly the best person. I was a lot better person then he was! St Peter says, not all things are as they seem. Frank Says, How's that? He's got a Cloud the size of a Cadillac, a Beautiful Woman, and a Barrel of Whiskey! and all I got was this tiny cloud, Itchy robe, and this tiny harp. How is that Fair! Well says St Peter. The Whiskey barrel has a hole in it, and the Redhead doesn't
Gulp,,,this one "might" be for ole Ted,,,, |
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
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Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 9:26am |
Trying to decide who this might be for,,,,,,
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." |
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13575
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Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 9:27am |
Now,,I'm bettin everybody be knowin WHO this one might fit,,,,,,,
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
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desertjoe
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Joined: 23 Sep 2013
Location: New mexico
Points: 13575
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Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 9:29am |
AND,,the grand finale,,,,,
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!" YA'll HAVE A GREAT DAY,,,,,!!!!
Edited by desertjoe - 22 Feb 2019 at 9:31am
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chaskaduo
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Joined: 26 Nov 2016
Location: Twin Cities
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Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 9:57am |
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Good Morning Joe. Now I gotta head to the outhouse.
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1938 B, 79 Dynamark 11/36 6spd, 95 Weed-Eater 16hp, 2010 Bolens 14hp
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shameless dude
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Joined: 10 Apr 2017
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Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 7:49pm |
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I can relate to that!
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Michael V (NM)
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Joined: 12 Sep 2009
Location: NM
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Posted: 22 Feb 2019 at 9:17pm |
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OH MY!! good ones there, Joe....
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