Printed From: Unofficial Allis
Category: Other Topics
Forum Name: Shops, Barns, Varmints, and Trucks
Forum Description: anything you want to talk about except politics
URL: https://www.allischalmers.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=184047 Printed Date: 25 Jun 2024 at 6:26pm Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: I need some grins,,,,,,Posted By: desertjoe
Subject: I need some grins,,,,,,
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 9:34am
Helicopter Ride. Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4
people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join us. We leave early
Saturday morning from Ontario airport and will fly to San Diego, where
we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then
we'll do a flight up the West Coast to see the fall colors, returning
to San Diego for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please
message me. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise
we can't go...
Replies: Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 9:42am
Sound Health Advice
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney problems. When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver problems. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems, When yo drink wine over ice, it can give you bladder problems.
Apparently, ice is bad for you. Warn all your friends
Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 9:49am
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Posted By: darrel in ND
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 10:23am
šš¤£š
Posted By: plummerscarin
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 12:05pm
That was awesome
Posted By: steve(ill)
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 12:50pm
NOW THATS FUNNY !!!! ............ Joe is BACK !!!
------------- Like them all, but love the "B"s.
Posted By: tadams(OH)
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 3:10pm
Yes Joe's with us
Posted By: ac hunter
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 5:27pm
Hey Joe, pretty funny. Got any more?
Posted By: dr p
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 7:13pm
So two blondes are taking their dogs for a walk. It is a hot day and after a while the blondes get thirsty. They walk up to a bar but on the door is a sign " no pets allowed" the one blonde says" I guess we can't go in there" the other blonde say "Put your sunglasses on and just follow my lead" they walk into the bar and the bartender says" I'm sorry, you can't come in here with a dog" the blonde says " but I am blind and this my seeing eye dog. The bartender says " oh, of course you can come in. I didn't realize they could Bulldogs as seeing eye dogs" yes, says the blonde, " they are smart and loyal and are becoming very popular for seeing eye dogs". Then the other blonde walks in and the bartender says" I'm sorry . You can't come in here with a dog" . The blonde says " I am blind as well, and this is my seeing eye dog". incredulously the bartender says " they can use dauschhunds as seeing eye dogs" and the blonde says "what!?! THEY GAVE A F@#%CKING DACHSHUND????,"
Posted By: dr p
Date Posted: 20 Oct 2021 at 8:44pm
I identify as Male but according to staufffer's lasagna box, I am actually a family of four
Posted By: Ted J
Date Posted: 23 Oct 2021 at 2:28am
GOOD ones Joe!! GREAT to have you back!!!!!
I loved that first one, but alas, I don't have a helicopter or a yacht, so I won't be going.
And dr p........those were some good ones too!! I have never heard either one of those, but I know what you mean about being a family of 4.
------------- "Allis-Express" 19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17
Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 23 Oct 2021 at 8:54pm
šŗšø Official Announcement. šŗšø
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Posted By: steve(ill)
Date Posted: 23 Oct 2021 at 9:05pm
------------- Like them all, but love the "B"s.
Posted By: Wayne180d
Date Posted: 23 Oct 2021 at 9:08pm
The old couple in the senior retirement home decided to finally get married. They were discussing money issues, family issues , inhieritance issues and other items pertaining to both their families. Finally the old man asked her about sex. She replied that she liked it infrequently. The old man thought for a minute and asked if that was one word or two words.
Posted By: Ted J
Date Posted: 24 Oct 2021 at 12:29pm
Yep!!! GOOD ONES!!
------------- "Allis-Express" 19?? WC / 1941 C / 1952 CA / 1956 WD45 / 1957 WD45 / 1958 D-17
Posted By: DougG
Date Posted: 24 Oct 2021 at 12:38pm
A guys asks his girlfriend if shes tried 5 Guys- her reply was at once or 1 at a time ? His reply was - the burger resturaunt !!!! Whoops,, lol
Posted By: dr p
Date Posted: 03 Nov 2021 at 7:28pm
What kinds of rocks won't you find in the Mississippi river? Answer. Dry ones! Kid told me that one today
Posted By: Clay
Date Posted: 04 Nov 2021 at 10:11am
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it wouldn't come anyway.
Posted By: dr p
Date Posted: 04 Nov 2021 at 7:14pm
What do use to repair a hole in a scarecrow? A pumpkin patch
Posted By: desertjoe
Date Posted: 04 Nov 2021 at 10:34pm
Within an hour of passing from this life, Pope Francis found himself
in a small office. Worn carpet, a desk, two chairs. The wall paint was
peeling. A young man wearing a white tropical suit walked in and sat
down behind the desk. He motioned the Pope to the chair across from
him.
Where am I?
In Hell, Francis.
Thatās impossible.
Why?
Iām the Pope.
Thereās another way to look at it. Why wouldnāt you be here?
No, really. Thereās obviously been an error. A tragic mistake.
Iām afraid not. Our transport system is bulletproof. It runs on AI.
Thenā¦then youāre Satan?
Good one, Francis. No. Iām Sid, the assistant director of Human Resources.
Where is Satan? I demand to speak with him.
Satan doesnāt do celebrity intake. He didnāt even speak with Stalin. Or Torquemada.
Look, I donāt care about your system. Iāve been sent to the wrong place. Iām destined to meet with the Savior and His Father.
Yeah, well, thatās not going to happen. Youāre here, this is Hell, and thatās that.
Baloney. How do I get a message through to God?
After all this time, you donāt know how? Anyway, weāre blocked off. No service from here to there.
There must be an angel I can talk to.
Another good one. No, Francis, weāre all out of angels.
I have resources. Art, gold, manuscripts.
You HAD them.
Get the Vatican on the phone.
We used to have a direct line. But then they stopped paying their bill.
Iāmā¦stuckā¦here?
Iām afraid so. For the duration.
This is unconscionable. Somebody has their wires crossed. There are millions of people named Francis. I was switched out.
Or you deserve to be here. Letās talk about that.
There must be something I can offer you.
In the abstract, bribery is an interesting conversation, but weāre way past that.
Whatās the set-up here? Who needs favors and blessings?
We run a tight ship. We have a schedule. Monday is medical day.
Right now, weāre performing a series of experiments on brain-computer
interface. Volunteers are attached through skull probes to a program
that loads them up with advanced mathematics. The integration phase has
run into serious problems. Instead of data, people are experiencing
raw electronics. The pain levels are exceedingly high. So weāre trying
to counteract that with drugs.
Youāre not serious.
This is Hell.
You said āvolunteers.ā
On Mondays, you could opt for a clinical trial of high-dose AZT.
Weāre measuring the timeline of cell death. AZT essentially stops cells
from replicating. In laymanās terms, the body decays rapidly and falls
apart.
This must be a dream.
On Tuesday, we strap you to a treadmill traveling 37 miles an hour
for two hours, while gradually lowering you into the lake of fire.
What have I done? What have I done to deserve this?
Letās talk about that. For instance, the deal with the Chinese.
The Chinese are a wonderful people.
Sure. Weāre all wonderful, Francis. Iām talking about the Chinese regime and Xi Jinping.
You mean the Vatican support for abortion? Our endorsement of their
social credit score system? The conferences on integrating Catholicism
and Communism?
That would be a start.
So what? So what if we made those accommodations? China is a
powerhouse. I wasnāt just going to sit there and watch them roll over
us. Sid, they already control half of Italy. Why do you think the
first COVID lockdowns in the West started in my backyard?
Your allegiance was to Jesus and God.
Youāre joking, right? Even God makes deals. He applies pressure,
gets what he wants, and then he backs off. Send a plague, obtain
compliance, declare a truce. Itās all about the action. One player
gets one piece, another player gets another. You spread out the
baksheesh, you pocket the vig.
Now weāre getting somewhere. Similar situation with climate change, right?
Just another deal. Another hustle. These flim-flam artists really
believe they can measure the Earthās overall temperature? Are you
kidding me? Much less the HISTORY of the temperature? But thatās the
play now. The UN Panel. Theyāll package the threat of a planetary
collision between the Earth and Mars, if itāll give them a leg up.
You saw an opportunity.
Of course. Iām the number one humanitarian in the world when it
comes to hunger and inequality. Those are my talking points. I can do a
bang-up job of faking a connection between them and climate change. So
Iām needed. The grifters involved are all already making out like
bandits on climate. So they sit down with me, I negotiate my ten
percent. Plus they get to reduce energy production all over the world.
You know, as the āsolution.ā This gives them more poverty and
debilitation, which are good for their businessāControl. Iām in the
same business. We see eye to eye.
I like it, Francis.
Wait a minute. Iām losing the thread. I mean, youāre on my side,
right? You get an insight into my strategy and you approve. Yes?
Absolutely. Youāre talking our language.
So then why are you talking about Monday and Tuesday and subjecting
me to all kinds of torture on your schedule, if Iām not here to pay for
my sins?
Francis, I would have thought youād figured that out a long time ago.
Weāre sadists. We enjoy our work. Thatās all. We donāt truck with
Heaven. We have no opinion or knowledge about them. We just accept the
souls who show up here. Iām happy youāre with us. But we need raw
material. Youāre it.
What?! Thereās nothing moral about punishment in this place?
Moral? Think it through, Francis. Again, this is Hell.
All right. Iām a fast adapter. There are things, then. Things I could teach you, Sid.
I donāt think so. Weāve been around the block a few million times. We know our business.
Thereās no money involved?
Weāre cashless. Let me show you to your room. It has a view of the lakeā¦
Iām having a mental health problem. Can I see a doctor?
This place is filled with doctors. I can get you in this afternoon.
You supported psychiatric treatment while you were at the Vatican,
right? Here, though, the doctors tend to be a little bent. They go to
extremes with their treatments. Iāll make a few calls and find you an
unenthusiastic straight shooter. Of course, experiencing what a standard
protocol of Haldol does to the nervous systemā¦the tranquilizing effect
is only stage one. After that, the neurons start firing randomly.
Impulse control goes out the windowā¦
I want out!
Ah, but youāre in, Francis.
Posted By: Clay
Date Posted: 05 Nov 2021 at 12:44pm
Posted By: fixer1958
Date Posted: 05 Nov 2021 at 8:22pm
I swear this is true.
Back when they supposedly screwed up local tv stations you could get with a regular aerial tv antennae, made it digital I guess, don't know. I bought some weird looking flat antennae. Looked like one of those gates you put in a doorway to keep dogs and little kids out.
Part of the instructions said
Don't throw it at your wife.
Don't install on roof while drinking and/or pregnant or both.
I kept those instructions for the longest time but they got pitched at some point.