first one,,,

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured.

I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer.

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

 #2,,,,

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it is a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 32 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 21 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.

 Dang,,this is fun,,,,,,

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys,
were standing at the base of a flag pole, looking
up. A woman walked by and asked what they were
doing. "We're supposed to find the hight of the
flag pole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of
your toolbox." She loosened a few bolts, and then
laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure
from their toolbox, took a measurement and
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked
away. Ray shook his head and laughed, "Well, ain't
that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
"We need the hight and she gives us the length!"
Ray and Bob are still working for the government.
But now they're congressmen.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

  Hey Weiner,,,that right there is a great one,,,,especially the last line,,,describes us just right,,,,

This engineer died and arrived at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him over, looked through his resume and told him the bad news that he had been condemned to hell.

Arriving at hell, Satan was astonished. We have never had an engineer before. "Are you sure you are supposed to be here" he asked. When it was confirmed that he was in his proper place, Satan welcomed him to hell.

A couple weeks later, Satan's happened to see the engineer and asked how he liked hell. "It is hot" exclaimed the engineer. 

"Of course it's hot; it is hell" answered Satan.

The engineer countered " You know, I was an engineer all my life. I think I could design an air conditioning system to cool this place down".

"Really", replied Satan. "If you could do that, God knows that I have plenty of contractors in here. I could have the contractors install the AC system, if you can come up with a design.

A few days later, the engineer has the system designed. Satan has the unscrupulous contractors install the system and hell cools off. 

Satan summons the engineer and asks what other things he could do to make hell more comfortable. 

"Well", the engineer replies, "I really miss a nice shower. I could design a plumbing system".

Satan gives his approval, the system is designed, the contractors install the plumbing and hell has hot and cold running water. 

A few days later God encounters Satan. "Wow are things down there" God asks, sneering ?

"Much better", Satan replies. "Since you sent us that engineer, he has designed an AC and plumbing system for us. The contractors you sent us have installed it and hell is much more tolerable".

"An engineer ?" God asks. "That has to be a mistake. You need to send him back immediately".

"No way", replied Satan. "You sent him and we are keeping him".

"Either you send him back to heaven or I will sue", replied God.

Satan thought about it for a minute, then his face lit up. "God, Where are you going to find a lawyer" ???

,,,,,, GOOD ONE,,!!!!

 

I got moms cell phone, my mask, my riot gear. I'm headin for the grocery store and bank. It' been over a month, hopefully I can remember where they are and if they's still in business.

 Chit,,here it is Sunday again and I forgot my jokes,,,,,

 

group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. You're kidding, right?
8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?