Bad Morning

I've never been in those shoes and hope I never get there but I've found with my marriage an eye to eye, heart to heart, don't get upset no matter what really helps. Always works for me and Danielle

I wish I could give some good info but I’m only 3 years married.
That said I’ve been a carpenter for a little over 35 years. My wife and I are siding our house. I have to throw everything I know out the window and do it to her liking. I’m very frustrated. This will take all summer. The finish product will not be caulked in the corners. I’m seriously bummed out but I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I feel that the good lord blessed me with a good woman and very little patients.

Sad to hear. Time sometimes starts a wedge between people. Depression is a fickle thing. I never really been depressed like that. I know some people that are. Seems like something is missing in them, not sure what fixes it. Prayers that the Lord will speak to her and put back what is missing! Prayers and God Bless! Tracy

Edited by john(MI) - 06 Jun 2020 at 5:28pm

Dave, hate to hear this. It is something that has been building for a while and is now coming to a peak. If I make it to the 22nd of this month my bride and I will have been married 52 years and it has not always been a bed of roses, matter of fact years ago we separated for about 6 months. We give God the credit for keeping us together. If the two of you are members of a church your pastor might be a good place to start some counseling or have him recommend a good counselor. If you have a Reformers Unanimous (RU) chapter in your area (google them) they would be a good resource but you would have to realize you have a problem and need help for it to be effective. Our church started a chapter a few months back and it is growing every week. A lot of people think of it as an addiction program but it is a Biblical based program designed to help with a multitude of problems not just alcohol/chemical dependency. 

Gary, talk to the wife about counseling. My wife and I have been to counseling and it helped. I know when she went through her change of life I thought long and hard about changing for a different wife! We talked in front of the counselor and got over our mutual animosity for each other! I always tried to remember what I told the dearly beloved that I have enough trouble with her I didn't need to look for a new trouble! I know now why my dad's nickname for my mother was "The War Department "!

I too see there isn’t much advice that hasn’t already been said, so I will just wish you the best good wishes and for peace and understanding.

One comment on prescription drugs....I see both the positives of that, and also the caution that JC mentioned. In a way, it’s like a lot of drugs, even as old and simple as penicillin, it can cure one person and kill another. One dangerous aspect for drugs for depression is if the patient is ALONE. That’s where a lot of trouble starts. They maybe don’t see the beginnings of the negative effects, or maybe mix it with alcohol, or maybe have an extra rough day and decide another couple of extra pills would help....I know people feel strongly on both sides.

Best wishes Dave. Crappy situation.

Dave, I hear your hurt, I hear the pain in your soul, I hear your depression also. Even if you can't get your wife help or to help herself, you be sure to get help for your feelings. Gods Speed to any and all of us on here dealing with this. We all still care and respect you how ever your situation ends up.

Been thinking of you both all weekend. I am sending many prayers for you both. Keep God involved and trust him. Sure works for me.🙏

Prayers for you and your wife Dave. Just hope everything works out for both of you, as we age things change, my wife fell and broke her are about 8 years ago and the doctor didn't set it said it would heal, well it didn't, it works for her but now and then it will just flop in stead of moving and she has learned to live with it, then in 2017 she got breast cancer and in 2018 she had the lump removed and then we went through chemo and radiation. She is cancer free but has neurophathy in both feet as a result of the chemo. It has been a learning experience for both of us and at the age of 75 we have learned to live with it with the help of the good Lord. I sure hope you both can work things out, I will keep praying for you.

Ted J wrote: My wife suffered from depression and at one time was taking pills.  That led to a dependency and neither of us liked that.  I changed MY way of thinking. I thought about all the ways we had fun when we were young and thought what the heck, I'll try it.  As Hubert says, it is a three way street.  Throw your cares to the wind and ask God to guide you.  It worked for us. We started taking walks, going to a movie, OUT for pizza and ice cream.  MAKE some fun for YOU and for her.  Be crazy again, that's what you were when you met, why not try it again. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we are doing than to stop and think,,,,,,what used to make us happy TOGETHER.  That's the cue, together.  Just sneak up some afternoon and ask her if she'd like to..........watch her eyes light up.  Be stupid and young again. We are happier now than ever in our lives, it's only been 53 and still going strong.  It's all about that phrase,,,,,,if Momma is happy, everyone is happy.  Doesn't take much giving and the reward could be priceless.  What have you got to lose?  Just some time in the shop.

well said

Ted J wrote: My wife suffered from depression and at one time was taking pills.  That led to a dependency and neither of us liked that.  I changed MY way of thinking. I thought about all the ways we had fun when we were young and thought what the heck, I'll try it.  As Hubert says, it is a three way street.  Throw your cares to the wind and ask God to guide you.  It worked for us. We started taking walks, going to a movie, OUT for pizza and ice cream.  MAKE some fun for YOU and for her.  Be crazy again, that's what you were when you met, why not try it again. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we are doing than to stop and think,,,,,,what used to make us happy TOGETHER.  That's the cue, together.  Just sneak up some afternoon and ask her if she'd like to..........watch her eyes light up.  Be stupid and young again. We are happier now than ever in our lives, it's only been 53 and still going strong.  It's all about that phrase,,,,,,if Momma is happy, everyone is happy.  Doesn't take much giving and the reward could be priceless.  What have you got to lose?  Just some time in the shop.

Only wish was so easy, been down that road so many times. She goes along for a short session then falls right back to her 'Safe Spot' of sitting and locking down. We did walks, dogs, cats, motorcycle rides, lake retreat, even getting away from those so called friends that considered myself the source. She takes a anti depressant has to be changed or changed up every so often as slowly fades out of function over a few years, have to call her Doc to get that done as she will not note it to the doc.

Loved boating for about three months, distance motorcycling was fine for a few years, the animals become My Issue to Vet, Clean, Feed, Play with as she becomes bored or angry of their need for attention. She admitted ONCE that she feels lost without having to care for her parents even as that drained her, even as professionals told her DO NOT DO IT, even after her family also said NO she did just that and now has a huge void she cannot find fill for. Buys into all manner of crafting, gets a first strum of a string or brush and stops, Too Hard. If cannot just sit and be vegetative she feels Too Much to Handle and the shrinks she has seen have never found a response to intercede with that.

She forwent having children just because it would interfere with taking care of her parents to their deaths, admitted that in a late night drinking binge but will not accept stated such, shrinks ignore me when I bring it up as they cannot get her to say she said it. Told her long ago children and grands were going to be missed and she ignored me, she now lets on she wishes she had made different choices but will not express it fully. No children is a big void for myself, can only imagine how big for her as that motherly care gene is fully engaged. We are both in our sixties, she let it drift too long on adoption to be able to(when I passed 50 first), she has no considerations for Foster Care as seen too many were problems and does not want that either.

What I suspect is she will drift in and out of this until we are both gone. Just have to grin a bear it as can IF Can as long as I can.

Edited by DMiller - 09 Jun 2020 at 7:22am